What Have I Become..

I remember the exact moment when something inside me snapped. I had managed to land a job interview at Circuit City and, up until that moment, I was terrible at interviews. I was still sly, could talk to girls, witty, but I had absolutely no professional attitude about myself. I was rarely composed, calm, and I often gave in to my emotions. I got to Circuit City a little early and someone who would later become one of my best friends just looked at me and asked, "you know how to bullshit?" I stammered with a laugh that I "could try if I needed to." He then said very bluntly, "it's a switch inside you, turn it on."

I destroyed that interview, got the job on the spot, and I haven't looked back since.

I recently looked at the denotative definition of "psychopath," and it shocked me. I've fallen into it, nine times out of ten I completely disregard someone's feelings. I have this weird ability to completely shut up someone else's emotions and follow through with my own decisions. It's only recently that my old general manager got hired at my Best Buy that I remembered when this all happened. He saw me on his first day and blankly said to me, "at least I've got one of my old crew here. I know I can count on you Cassidy."

Yesterday I snapped back out of it, I was in the middle of a sale. Ashley came to randomly surprise me at work and while I was being a shark and selling, I saw her and it just..snapped. My brain shut off and my heart turned on. I don't want to change, I wish I could walk both sides of the spectrum..what have I become?

Why do you care? Why does anyone care? You're subjecting your life to create something that you know doesn't exist, but you want it to.

I'm quick witted, and you know that I'll judge and find a discourse in your agenda. I can find your lies like a german shepherd. Why do you continue to bother?

You can't compete with me. You can't.

The Comfortable

The comfortable, the familiar. It dominates our lives, gives us something to look forward to, gives us something that we can find predictable. We enjoy the fact that work starts at 9am and will end at 5pm, regardless of the events in between. As far as our eyes can see, there is no reason to break out of this. There is no reason to change. But why do we limit ourselves to the minute distance our pathetic eyes can discern? Why are we not always looking for more? Why are we okay with "settling?"

I don't settle..I don't. The fact that I don't settle has hurt so many people along the way, and will likely hurt more people. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do feel sorry for people who put their lives and happiness in my hands because, nine times out of ten, they won't be the one I'm looking for. I have this odd, unimaginable picture of my perfect life-mate, and no one has really even come close. As such, I don't feel like I'm on a quest to find "the one," but more so I'm on a quest to trample everyone on the way. It's unfortunate, but thus is life.

I wish someone could get inside my head, that someone could understand me, because I'm not crazy. What I do truly is logical, every smile, every gesture, every action is done for a specific reason. My brain is a damn pentium chip.

I'm sorry.